


did i say that out loud?

by goodbyes



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Post-Project Blackwing (Dirk Gently), love confessions during an argument, slightly angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-28
Updated: 2017-10-28
Packaged: 2019-01-20 11:55:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12432303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodbyes/pseuds/goodbyes
Summary: Todd knew why he was anxious like he knew why his heart sped up in Dirk's presence. Why every compliment from the detective addled his mind with the urge to do something irrational in response. Something he'd probably regret later, admittedly, but in the moment would feel right, would-Shut up. Todd refused to let himself become overwhelmed with such feelings, not now, not ever if he had any desire to keep the friendship he had with Dirk.Which I do, so that's that, he decided.Or, the time when Dirk gets hurt, and they're forced to hold a conversation of the feelings variety.





	did i say that out loud?

**Author's Note:**

> this one goes out to my homeboys in the "toad... is perfect" groupchat on twitter. endless love to y'all.
> 
> this is the first thing i've written in mmmmmm a year??? that being said, feedback is greatly appreciated :)

"Goddamn it, Dirk,  _answer me._ "

Todd stared at his phone as Dirk's voicemail begun to play for the umpteenth time.

" _Hiii! You've reached Dirk Gently of Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency. I am currently worrking on a riveting new case and cannot come to the phone right now. That or you've just called outside office hours. Leave a message!_ "

_Beep._

All the previous times, Todd hadn't bothered with leaving voicemails; he figured Dirk's phone would display his name anyways. He didn't know what had changed this time, but he had begun to speak before he registered he was even doing so.

"Dirk, it's Todd. Where are you? You haven't answered any of my calls and I'm starting to get a... little bit nervous. You said this case wouldn't be a dangerous one and you could handle it, so, um... just call me back if you're not dead, okay?"

He pressed the "End Call" button and flopped back against his couch. It was then he started to think, which was something he wanted to avoid when said thoughts involved Dirk.

Why had he called so many times? Left a voicemail? He was worried about Dirk, yes, but this time was different; the  _worry_ was different. There was a difference between feeling a general, distant worried feeling for someone and feeling an anxiety along the lines of  _let me call you about six times because you aren't answering my texts, which I sent about fifteen of._

Todd knew why he was anxious like he knew why his heart sped up in Dirk's presence. Why every compliment from the detective addled his mind with the urge to do something irrational in response. Something he'd probably regret later, admittedly, but in the moment would feel  _right,_ would-

 _Shut up._  He refused to let himself become overwhelmed with such feelings, not now, not  _ever_ if he had any desire to keep the friendship he had with Dirk. _Which I do, so that's that_ , he decided.

He knew Dirk wasn't the same when he came back from Blackwing. He wouldn't have expected him to be. Dirk had spent his childhood in the place, and after escaping had spent sixteen years constantly looking over his shoulder, relying only on the universe to keep him out of the place for good.

The universe had failed him. Todd could see why that might leave a person feeling dejected and jaded.

Since Blackwing, Todd's desire to be there for Dirk had grown stronger; the desire to move past his issues with closeness and intimacy and just allow Dirk to find comfort in Todd whenever he needed to.

Dirk made Todd want to be better, despite everything.

His phone rang. Dirk's ringtone.

The owner of the phone scrambled to pick it up, accepting the call before the phone could finish its second ring.

"Hello? Dirk, where the fuck-"

"Todd!"

Farah's voice sounded relieved and scared on the other end. Wait. Farah? Todd double checked the caller ID. Why was Farah using Dirk's phone?

"Farah? Farah, did something happen-"

"Dirk is hurt. It's bad. I found him unconscious in alley. He was bleeding, Todd. I called an ambulance..."

Todd blanked out. Dirk's hurt? But surely he won't— surely he _couldn't—_

"...we're at the hospital now. Meet us down here." She finished.

"I-I'm on my way."

He hung up and grabbed his keys, running dazedly down the stairs and outside, where his car was waiting.

•••

The drive to the hospital was a blur. Todd drove with a numb mind— one devoid of any thoughts that weren't _oh God, don't let him be dead, I never even got to tell him..._

 •••

By some miracle, the doctors let them see Dirk.

Dirk was unconscious and looked sickly. Skin pale as moonlight, eyes shut, mouth hanging open; he looked beyond sickly. He looked corpse-like.

"Farah... he isn't?.... is he-"

"Dead? No," Farah cut in. "I was in the office today and he had told me he was going out on a case downtown and that he would be safe. He said that, but then he was gone for like,  _seven hours_ , and that's when I was like, 'hey, maybe something's wrong?' so I went to where he said he would be and I didn't see him, so I looked in the alleys and he was just _there_ , like _this,_ someone just _left him like that_ , and-"

Farah was talking a mile a minute. She took a deep breath and continued. "I know he doesn't like hospitals, but I didn't see another option."

"No, no, you did the right thing."

They both turned to look at Dirk. Todd forced himself to make a mental note of his friend's injuries. His eye was blackened. His lip was swollen. Bruises stood out in stark contrast to his pale skin. The nurse had told them that he had a concussion. 

He still looked beautiful. Todd ran his fingers gently over a bruise on the detective's arm.

"You really like him." Farah said, snapping Todd out of his reverie. The comment was more of a statement than a question. Todd was taken aback, looking at her with wide eyes.

"W-what? Farah, the man was just beaten half to death, is now really the time to—"

"Yes. Todd, he almost just died. After this, I think it would benefit both of you to just... talk. About things. You know the things."

"The things." Todd deadpanned. "Farah, I respect you endlessly, and usually I would know better than  _not_ taking your advice, but this is just— it's not something I can see happening. A..... relationship, I mean. I mean, for starters, does Dirk even  _like_ guys—"

"Does he  _like guys_ — wha— Todd, do you even notice the way he looks at you? The way he looks at  _any_ relatively attractive guy?"

"Wait, are you calling me attractive?"

"I'm a lesbian, and you're alright. No offense."

"None taken," Todd ran a hand through his hair. "But I mean it. I'm Dirk's friend. He's wanted friends for so long now, and now he has them, and if he didn't reciprocate my feelings... well, then that would just be, like, taking that friendship away from him, you know? I can't do that to him."

"Hey," Farah's look changed from concerned to sympathetic. "I understand, okay? But you'll drive yourself insane if you just let that feeling fester forever. If there's ever a time you feel like you could tell him, do it. Even if he doesn't reciprocate— which, for the record, he probably does— he'd never want to stop being your friend. You have to know that."

Todd bit his lip and nodded. 

"Thank you, Farah."

"No problem."

They sat down in the plastic chairs lined against the wall of the room. Comfortable silence was shared, but only for a few moments. A voice broke through the silence, raspy and quiet.

"Hello?"

Todd had pulled up his chair to Dirk's bedside in an instant, gripping his best friend's hand before he could stop himself. 

"Dirk? Hey! It's Todd... can you hear me?"

Dirk winced and made eye contact with Todd. He looked beyond tired. Todd likely only had a few moments to speak to him before he was asleep again. Farah rose from her chair.

"I'm gonna go find the nurse, tell her that Dirk's up. Be right back." She said.

"Okay, yeah." Todd said. He'd offer a more comprehensive answer had his attention not been directed at someone else.

She left. The door clicked shut. Dirk spoke again.

"Hello, Todd." The detective's eyes flicked down to the hand that was occupied by Todd's. He wondered if he should let go. Dirk didn't move.

"Dirk, what happened?"

Dirk's face fell instantly. He ran his thumb over Todd's knuckles— an action which in itself made Todd stop breathing for a solid ten seconds,  _god_ , why was he so easy to fluster?

"Um... long story short, I ran into a small inconvenience during the case." Dirk bit his lip.

Todd stared at him.

"Okay, a... medium inconvenience."

"Dirk."

"A large inconvenience," Dirk sighed. "I went into town to meet someone who potentially had information, but then it turns out they were the person I was investigating, and they, uh, took me into the alley and.... y'know. Did this. Told me to stop investigating or it would be worse time, and they said that...um..."

"Dirk, you can talk to me." Todd didn't know whether he was squeezing Dirk's hand or if Dirk was squeezing his, but he decided he wasn't going to let go. He wanted to move past his issues with closeness, and this was his first step. He was going to be there for Dirk. Physically. Mentally. Verbally— whatever it took. Dirk spoke again.

"They said that next time they'd hurt you, too.  _Listen,_ Todd, we  _can't_ —"

The door opened. Farah walked into the room, followed by a nurse. 

"Hi, Dirk." Farah nodded in Dirk's direction as she walked in.

"Hi, Farah!" Dirk said, mustering up as much enthusiasm as he could. The tone was radically different from the one he had spoken in only moments ago, and Todd felt momentary bewilderment. The nurse put her hand on his shoulder.

"I'm going to have to ask you and Miss Black to leave the room. We're going to check how he's doing and allow him to get more sleep."

"I...." Todd reluctantly let go of Dirk's hand. "Yeah. Okay. We'll see you soon, Dirk."

The man in the bed replied with only a weak smile, the smile nowhere near his usual toothy one that rivaled the luminescence of the bright hospital lights.

It was the last thing Todd saw before the door shut.

•••

Not long after, Dirk was discharged from the hospital. Todd had picked him up minutes after getting the call, and now they sat in the car, the driver listening to the passenger prattle on about how nice the nurse was.

"...Todd, I tell you, I've been in many a hospital in my life but no nurse has ever brought me a cookie. A  _cookie,_ Todd, bless her heart."

Todd had a headache. He was still trying to comprehend the comparison of this Dirk to the Dirk he had visited in the hospital. That Dirk had sounded scared, tired, urgent. This Dirk was no different than the one who crawled through his window the night Patrick Spring died. It was almost as if Todd had never even spoken to him in that hospital room.

It unsettled him. Nonetheless, he was grateful for Dirk's presence, for the way he continued to talk Todd's ear off even as they got out of the car and walked up to Todd's apartment. 

He opened the door and walked inside, Dirk following closely behind. 

"So, Dirk," Todd said as the detective shut the door behind him. "Are you gonna be staying here, then? Since you have a concussion?" He turned around. Dirk was looking at him curiously.

"Todd, I'm a grown man, I think I can handle staying by myself." There was no hostility in his tone, only teasing and— was that nervousness? Todd decided it would be easier if he didn't hyperfixate on Dirk's tone of voice.

And so the detective's assistant (assis-friend? He didn't know what his current status was— Dirk constantly changed the term for whatever exactly it was he did) pondered the current situation. The last time he left Dirk alone, Dirk was beaten to a pulp. And before that, he was kidnapped. He needed to at least try.  _Be there for him,_ a voice in his head implored. Todd took a breath.

"Look, Dirk, I'm not questioning your self care abilities"— he actually questioned them all the time, but that was quite besides the point— "It's that you just got beaten up and you're concussed, and I just thought maybe you could stay with me until you're well enough to go back to work."

Dirk considered this. 

"Wouldn't that just be a burden for you?"

"Wha—" Todd was fully aware he was staring in unabashed shock at his friend, but he couldn't understand where Dirk had possibly gotten that notion from. "Holy shit, no it wouldn't. Dirk, you're my best friend, of course I want to take care of you and help you when you're not well."

Dirk bit his lip in a way that made Todd's chest ache—  _Shut up. He's concussed and injured, now isn't the time._ Todd reminded himself of that much. Dirk's gaze shifted from the floor and then back up to him.

"I do think I'll be fine on my own, but I'll come over and check in at some point everyday if it will be of any consolation to you."

Todd sighed. He didn't think he wanted to push it any farther.

"Okay. Just take care of yourself."

"I will. I promise. Honestly, Todd, you make it sound as though I'm irresponsible."

"You've  _accidentally_ burnt a man's house down before. Can you see why I'm concerned?"

"I mean, when you put it like that anything will sound bad."

•••

After Dirk had left that afternoon, Todd laid on his bed thinking about just what had happened in the hospital and how that had compared to today. 

Dirk had said the person who beat him up would hurt Todd had they continued their investigation, but it's not like they could stop now, right? What that person had done was basically an admission of guilt.

But would Dirk even want to continue?

Todd knew the end of that conversation would take place soon. But how soon?

•••

The end of the conversation, as it happened, took place after Dirk had made a full recovery.

It had taken about a week, and for every day during that week Dirk had come to Todd's apartment at some point. They'd talk and act the same as they had before the incident, but the feeling of anxiety sat in the bottom of Todd's stomach hadn't quite settled yet. He knew the conversation wouldn't just disappear.

So when Dirk came into the apartment at the end of that week, saying he had visited the doctor and had gotten the "all clear"— that was when Todd knew they were about to have a conversation neither of them would like.

"So, Dirk," he started, "now that you're better, I guess it's safe to say you can go back to work? Start that case back up—"

"No." Dirk cut him off abruptly, looking up at him from where he sat on the couch.

"I'm... sorry?"

"No. Todd, that man said he would hurt you too. I'm not putting you in harm's way. I'm not risking you."

"Dirk, I—"

"No. We have to drop the case."

"Dirk." Todd felt a bubble of frustration in the back of his throat, ready to pop. He tried to swallow it for now. They could resolve this calmly. "I can handle myself. We have a case. That in itself is rare, we can't throw it away because of some threat."

" _Some threat?_ " Dirk asked incredulously. "Todd, the man could have killed me. Do you really think I'd want you in the same position?"

Dirk was looking at Todd in a weird way, an odd mix of what could only be described as pleading and longing. The latter ignored it. 

"You shouldn't have to throw away a case because of me."

"No, I shouldn't, but because I have to, I'm going to. And that's that. So please, just stop being frustrated."

The bubble of frustration popped.

"Dirk, do you understand that we barely ever get cases? When we do, they're big, yes, but they're _rare_. The man beat you up, that's basically an admission of guilt. Let him come for me. We have leverage. Everything is going to work out. We can get past this case. I know you're afraid, but we actually might need to just... trust the universe on this one. Okay? And besides, why does it matter if I get hurt? We—"

"Do you realize how you sound right now?" Dirk's voice was quiet in comparison to Todd's, but it grew more frustrated as he spoke. "Yes, I _understand_ we don't often get cases. I know we'll have to risk our lives at some point. We already have, I _know_ that. But we can't spend every case taking one step forward and then an ambulance ride back to the hospital. And, as far as 'trust the universe' goes, you know damn well why we can't do that. Why _I_ can't do that."

It was now that Todd noticed that Dirk was on the brink of tears. The yellow-jacketed man's voice grew more frantic and pleading as he spoke.

"And you know what? Don't you _dare_ ever ask me why it matters if you get hurt. Todd, you're my best friend. I would rather lose a limb than lose you. So don't— don't _say_ that your well being doesn't matter. Because— because I wouldn't be where I am right now if it wasn't for you. I would be alone. So, I actually owe you my life, I think, and I also think it would suck if you die because I love you, and—"

Dirk stopped abruptly, covering his mouth with his hand. Todd felt his eyes widen considerably. _He loves me—_

"And?" Todd barely forced out.

"Todd, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have—"

Todd walked until he stood in front of Dirk, who was staring at the ground. Slowly, he crouched down and took Dirk's hand in his own. Dirk's head whipped up. Blue eyes met blue eyes, and Todd spoke first.

"And?" he repeated.

"And," Dirk swallowed, "I would really regret that I would never have gotten to kiss you."

Todd stopped breathing. In a blur, he pulled Dirk to his feet. They were only inches apart.

"I think I'd regret not having been kissed by you." Todd whispered.

They met somewhere in the middle, a slow, closemouthed kiss that still left their hearts racing. The kiss was a question.

The next one was the answer.

A blur of mouths and hands. Dirk's hands gripped Todd's waist and pulled him closer; Todd's hands found Dirk's auburn hair. Their mouths were frantic and passionate, tongues sliding between teeth, soft bites and faint sighs. Time was counted by the gasps of air they took between the press of mouths.

When they broke apart, gasping hard with their hearts now pounding against their ribcages, their hands did not move. There was no doubt now.

"I love you." Todd rasped. Dirk's smile was glowing, and Todd had nearly forgotten everything about the hospital. "And I guess we don't have to throw the case out now? As long as we're careful, that is." He added with a smirk. Dirk rolled his eyes.

"No, I suppose we don't." Dirk's following grin was almost evil.

"Oh god, what are you thinking?" Todd asked.

"I'm thinking," Dirk said slowly. "That it would _really_ suck if you died in like, what, a few hours or something. We should probably prepare now in case of that event. You know, get all of that regret out of the way now."

Now it was Todd who rolled his eyes, but they were both grinning when he pulled Dirk back in.

**Author's Note:**

> just so anyone who's reading this knows this was longer and gayer than i expected thanks


End file.
